Dating log, Stardate 2021

This is my first blog post in 2021- and it is November.  That is the longest gap between my posts since I started this blog in 2010.

This has been a strange year indeed.  As most of us are, post 2020 but not yet post covid, I've been figuring out this brave new world.  

And of course it would be in 2021 that I would decide to gird up the loins of my emotions and foray into the jungle of online dating.  It stirred up a lot, including my need to write slam poetry and other poetry-like collections of words to express the rollercoaster that this was for me.  

Also by the end of it (not for this reason alone) I ended up in weekly therapy.

So today you get a year's worth of entries that I wrote in my personal journal throughout the year.

This blog is the account of my dating adventures and personal feelings that were brought up in the process.  Poetry included. 

First, the stats!

Between April and November I went on a total of 21 dates (I am using this term loosely to mean times I met up with someone in person for more than 10 minutes), split between 5 individuals.  There were also approximately 5 additional "virtual dates" each lasting an hour or less - and (interestingly) none of those were followed up with an in-person meeting. There were many other individuals with which I exchanged messages and texts, as well as a few phone calls.

Platforms sampled in the great dating experiement: Facebook Dating, Eharmony, Bumble, Christian Cafe and Christian Mingle.  Favorite platform (surprisingly) Bumble.  Two individuals I dated came from Facebook Dating, three came from Bumble, none (except virtual) from Eharmony, and none of any kind from Christian Cafe or Christian Mingle. 

I am happy to report, I had no situations in which I felt physically unsafe. I also learned something valuable from every person I spent time with.

And yes, I am still single. 

Today I am temporarily deleting my dating apps and putting a pin in this adventure until (perhaps) next year.

For pure entertainment I am sharing some of my take-aways, lessons, poems and favorite profile snips, in no particular order. 

If a Gen X man is keeping up with my texting speed and pacing, having an intelligent conversation, plus using memes and emojis correctly, he probably either has ADHD or is catfishing. 

We text different scenes

Than the kids swiping 

 Left and right

Instead of sending pics of body parts

We send pictures of what we are cooking for dinner tonight 

Our bodies are no longer

Our greatest commodity 

Instead it’s our souls

Which are as scarred and stretched 

As the middle aged tents 

That house our broken pieces of life

Now we seek someone 

Not perfect without flaw  

For finally we are wise enough

Not to seek the impossible 

Rather for someone whose

broken pieces aren’t too sharp

Whose fragments fit with ours 

our own broken shards

To make a mosaic 

instead of a new crime scene 

A phone call or a video call before a potential date can save a lot of time.

I.

Sure dude,

Talk to me on the phone for the first time

After a few drinks

I’m taking note

Of your overall lack of good judgment 

Tell me too much

I’m listening 

Your story isn’t half bad

Neither is your voice

So I’ll give you a half hour

of my time 

Tonight 

So I won’t waste your time

Tomorrow.

II

Stood up for a phone call twice 

Once for sleep 

And once for food  

Priorities, Amiright?

If you get someone to talking, they will tell you everything you want to know. Just listen and pay attention. 

I think back to the questions

You asked me when we met

And realize 

They were all actually questions

About you. To see if 

I was the right size for you like

You were 

Trying on clothes at the store

Do I like what you like

Do I watch what you watch 

Will I go where you go

Am I 

Your kind of woman

You don’t know

I am not a jacket you can pick up and wear

On your life as it is 

I am 

a large tree that cannot be moved 

You cannot possess me

You cannot move me

I  have my own roots

My branches may entwine with another like

The Two Trees 

But

You can’t chop me down and turn me into fire wood to cook your food 

Or into lumber to build a bed for yourself. 

The most frequently used word in men's profiles is patio.  Men apparently spend a lot of time on patios. What is happening on the patios!!!???

Almost all men who reference love languages say their love language is touch. 

The majority of men state they are seeking an affectionate loyal partner with no drama and no baggage to accompany them on road trips and to sporting events. 

Everyone likes to travel and likes the beach. Most men like fishing and/or golf.  Selfies are taken in vehicles, in the gym, and in bathrooms.

No man says 

On his dating profile 

Looking for a strong kick ass lass

Looking for an opinionated nitche witch 

Looking for a survivor with scars who still knows how to love hard

Looking for someone to heal and be healed by

Looking for someone educated to challenge my mind

Looking for someone complex to keep me in line

Looking for some drama so I won’t get bored 

Looking for someone with a challenging career I can support 

I swear if I read one more profile with the word patio 

I’m not your patio girl 

I’ve got stuff to do

(Hopefully you do too)

Will you support me  

(And let me support you)

Or do you you only want someone to lay with you 

after the sports and the fishing and the weekend trips are through

I can save a woman’s life with my bare hands 

Breathe life back into a baby 

That’s why fishing bores me

And sports seem empty 

But after I save lives 

I need you

To bring me back to life

And I might not be able to do much as a wife

Till you listen to me, feed me and let me sleep a day and a night 

But when I wake

You’ll see

What it means 

To share life

With someone strong like me

I’ll roll over in bed and love you hard

Then get up and do all the things 

Oxytocin runs the world you see

I can even join you on the patio 

Till my phone rings 

Moments with me are worth hours, hours are like days

But a lot can happen in an hour 

Just ask a midwife 

A midwife can suture you back together 

when life hacks you up

Breathe life back into you

Have your back 

Be your back up 

But you have to see her first 

Hold her first 

Not hold stuff over her

Not hold out on her

She doesn’t deal in that shit

Her life can’t orbit you

Her trajectory is already set

Around the sun

So it all depends

If you are strong enough 

to be her moon

To pull her tides into shore

Or her planetary rings

Circling and holding her 

In a mutual identity 

Completing the missing part 

Of her soul

One thing is for sure

Join your life to her

And You’ll never be bound to earth. 

And you’ll never be bored.

I've now seen more pictures of fish than I knew existed in the oceans and rivers and lakes of the entire world.

Sir,

I’m going to need you to put down the fish 

Take off the hat 

Remove your sunglasses 

I need you to move slowly away from your truck

And your boat

And your bike

And your dog

As well as your half grown and full grown kids

I get it 

You are figuring this out just like me 

How do we even know who we are

Without the people and props that have gotten us this far 

But you have to try so

Please sir 

Put down your fish

And come sit down

Tell me the story

Of who taught you to fish 

Of your journey to the lake

Of the one who got away

Of the time you went home empty 

And the time you went home with ice chest full 

Of the spices you used to season it

Of the taste of it on your tongue 

Of who ate it with you 

Of the taste of her on your lips as you made out afterward

Of why she got up and walked away 

Of what happened to you next

Let me see you 

And then flip the script and 

Take time to see the one who saw you

Take time to find out

My story too

Turn yourself off

Tune into me

Listen to my voice

As I listened to yours

And let’s see

If our stories

Will converge 

But first sir,

Put down the fish 

Before someone gets hurt.

Sometimes a date is just a chance to hear a person's story.

You told me 

your unvarnished story

It blew me away 

You’ve walked so far

Been shot so full of holes 

But you kept on going 

You didn’t paint yourself the hero, the victim or the villain 

just the protagonist of your own story

Falling and getting up, 

Getting up and falling 

I had the strangest impulse 

To wash your feet 

To honor your horrible journey 

Hey don’t worry about that hip

Jacob also walked with a limp 

You’ve got this 

Don’t relapse 

Keep walking 

Keep talking

Keep trying 

If you are sure you aren't a fit, don't keep going out with someone for the sake of company.

I found myself 

Leaning towards you

After just two dates 

Adapting myself 

Being who you wanted 

Ignoring my own concerns and desires 

And giving priority to yours 

Keeping most of myself underwater 

Like the iceberg 

Whose tip is beautiful 

But below the surface is the real formation 

Dangerous and sharp

What, did I think that part of me would melt and go away

While your cruise ship was docked 

While you had shore leave 

While you admired the way the sunset bounced colors 

Off my surface peaks?

I told you the iceberg was there

And you said you knew

And didn’t care 

I didn’t have to change for you

It would work itself out

Clearly you’ve never been diving in these particular waters before 

You liked my green eyes but you didn’t know 

what they have seen

What they still see 

how they see through you

And you said “we really connect”

But that’s because you connected 

With the parts of me you wanted 

And dismissed and disregarded

the disconnected extensions

With different voltages  

That were there

if you had eyes to see

I let them be visible a few times 

to see what you would do

But you stepped over them

And went to get another drink 

You told me our differences aren’t that different 

But that’s because you don’t really see me

You think you do 

You say you do 

But I know when I am seen 

And when I am not

I have lots of practice you see

And as my 20 year old son says

If after you try to explain it to someone who doesn’t get it

They just don’t get it

Some people just don’t get it

And that’s ok 

But they can’t be your partner 

And as my 26 year old nephew says 

They aren’t going to change from what you see 

on the first date 

or the second 

That’s the best they’re going to be

If you don’t like it

Do everyone a favor

And walk away

Seems the products of conception  

Of the previous generation 

The offspring of iceberg moms

And cruise ship dads 

Who took their shore leave 

With their trophy wives 

And got electrocuted 

By cords disconnected 

While the children had to jump

Into the frigid waters 

When the Titanics of their families upended with a groan

Broke off at the bow

And sunk to the bottom 

Treasure and all  

They learned the hard way 

What not to do

And now send back their wisdom for me to know too

So I listen 

And I leave

I won’t sink your ship

And you won’t be taking your shore leave on me

Tempting as that may be

 

Taking this treasure with me:

Seemingly 

I expected it to be 

so hard

So bad

So much suck it up

To get a little of what I want 

But that’s absolutely not right

And not how it needs to be

That’s my take away 

From two month of texting 

And two month of testing 

And two months of inner wrestling.

You can meet someone really nice that you really like and it still not be a good match.

You text me while you are listening to live jazz

And ask 

you doing okay ? 

I don’t know what to say 

Do I tell you my neighbor 

Just came over and told me her

husband died

Do I tell you my son just came home after two weeks away 

And has Tae Kwon Do in the morning 

Do I tell you I’m watching a Korean drama because that’s what my girls are watching 

Or do I say 

Hell no, I’m not okay 

The world is falling apart while 

You are listening to your son play jazz and 

I’m watching a Korean fantasy with my daughters

From Afghanistan to Haiti 

To next door 

And I’m feeling the world’s pain 

Oh, you mean me personally 

I don’t know how 

To decide 

How deep to go

In a casual text exchange 

Pretty sure you are just being polite 

And I don’t want to scare you away 

So I decide to tell you I’m waiting to go to a birth 

Which for me

pretty much says it all 

These days

Later:

Sure enough 

I got it right

You are so polite

But not interested

In diving into the waters

I live in

To swim all night.

I understand

All the best my friend

And thanks for the sushi

Again

In trying to figure out a certain pattern I started noticing, I found this, and it made a lot of sense: 

Sadly, I'm learning not to expect most Gen X men to be as in touch with their feelings - or sharing them- as Millennial or Gen Z guys. I have so gotten spoiled working with the younger men that are the husbands and partners of my clients, not to mention interacting with my adult son. The men are getting better, ya'll. 

I still have hope.

Will you hold me

When I’m holding the pain of others

Will you carry me

When I’m carrying the weight of the world

Will you listen

When I need to download 

All that’s been told to me

All I see

All I feel 

Or is it too much for you

Meaning, am I too much for you

Can you sit with 

What I live with 

Who I am

What I grieve 

And not minimize 

And not gloss over 

And not tell me to move on

And for god's sake

Don’t man-splain

Or patronize 

Or tell me what to do

Just hold me

In all my strength 

And in all my weaknesses 

So I can hold on

To everyone else holding on

To me

Most Gen X men put their political leanings on their profile or otherwise let you know where they are coming from these days, but if not, it's a really good idea to clarify before meeting if you or they have any deal breakers.

Trigger warning: gun violence. 

“You don’t have a problem with guns do you?”

I freeze.

Hands up don’t shoot 

I can’t breathe 

Mama

And it’s not what you think 

How do I answer your casual assumption, your leading conclusion 

Leading away from what I want to say

That I have a problem with guns because my mother was shot and killed by one

That I have a problem with guns because one of the ways my Black neighbors are being murdered is with guns 

That I have a problem with guns because guns are killing 

Children in schools

Elders in churches 

Young people at concerts

Women in their beds 

People in the streets 

I have a problem that some people’s right right to have a gun

In this country 

Is more important than other people’s right to live 

In this country 

My thoughts race, while my tongue waits and then

You fill the silence and tell me with a shrug that you were in the military 

As if that explains it

Then you tell me how many guns you own 

And say that you keep them all loaded

And I freeze all over again 

And feel some kind of way

You saw a white Texas girl in boots 

And wrongly assumed 

I want to tell you 

How I really feel

That I’m afraid of an intimate partner violent 

That to keeping my friends alive you represent a threat

That I’m not anti-second Amendment I’m just pro life 

That I don’t want you to label me liberal when I know that will spark strife 

That I don’t want to to discuss all this on a first date and end up in a fight 

Because now I realize you might be carrying  

So I think that I must be quiet 

But the truth is

I just now figured out

I guess I do have 

A problem with at least some guns

And those may be your guns 

And the truth is it only takes one

So I think actually, we’re done.

Check please 

White male priviledge is absolutely a thing.  The first time I went out with a white guy (remember I was married to an Indian man and never dated before that) I was absolutely shocked at how differently people treated him/us in public spaces. I knew about this theoretically, but experiencing this for myself put white priviledge on a whole new level of alternative reality.

Understandably, these guys generally don't want to hear about this or discuss it.  Which puts me in an awkward position.

I have to hide parts of me 

Not to scare you away

I’m a kick ass

Bad ass

Feminist midwife 

A goddess grown powerful on oxytocin, adrenaline and holy R rated adventures 

I don’t want to frighten you

I’m guessing you want me soft 

So I veil myself with softness 

Like Moses coming from from the mountain and  his face to face with God

Like mine His face too bright 

Too disturbingly transformed 

From seeing truth and power, death and life

I smile 

As you tell me about yourself 

I nod 

As you talk about yourself 

I make soft sounds  

As you tell me about your day

I like your voice, I do

I like you too

But I can only stay 

behind my veil of softness so long 

When it slips off,

Will you turn into a ghost?

Or will you shoot at me

Because that threatens you?

Or maybe I’ll go first  

I don’t want you to be scorched by my brightness 

That I instinctively know 

Will hurt your already 

Sunburned skin

Nor do I want to be shot at

For being who I am.

At some point you tell yourself, this is good experience for ...something, right?

Escape room

Just for fun we sign up

Pay our coins

Go up, get locked in

Then the fun begins

Look for clues

Brain used

Beat the clock 

Don’t stop 

Laughing and running 

Shouting and cussing 

Ask for clues

If you get stuck 

Knowing that

Someone is watching

Cameras high

Won’t let you die 

And when the timer rings

It’s all up

Like this dating game 

I have to play 

God watching 

Throwing me clues when I ask 

Letting me figure other things out

So I will learn this shit

And maybe 

End up with someone 

Or maybe not

You never know at the beginning

How it will end 

I hope I win

But at least I’ll live.

Sometimes you meet a good guy who just doesn't say much

NPC

I didn't think they existed

in real life-

Non player characters,

Those in video games

With predetermined

behaviors that potentially will

impact gameplay

but will not

be the product

of independent intelligence.

Anyway

You did everything right

Right on cue

like opening doors

and taking the check

but then there was nothing

left to say or do.

Not unpleasant

But I can't play a game 

Alone very long

With just an NPC

You need to log on

And engage with me

Level up

Get a life or two

Get some powers

Then we'll see.

If they have to ask you what egalitarian means, that's your answer. 

You want a P31 woman?

Well how about a Judges Chapter 4 female

Part Deborah and part Jael

I sit with wisdom

Under a palm tree

Helping people

Judging fairly 

Until it’s time to fight

Then I give men courage

And go into battle at their sides 

And if they miss their cue

I’ve got a tent peg or two

And I’m not afraid to do 

The dirty work because

That’s what strong women do

We roll up our sleeves 

And wipe the tears

Staunch the blood

Feed the hungry

Defend the poor

Take up swords when we need them

Beat them into plowshares when we’re through

Plant the seeds

Pull the weeds

Water the goods 

Harvest the food

Don’t be afraid of us

We are your allies 

Your best defense

Your friends, sisters, mothers and lovers

Embrace us in our strength 

Don’t be threatened 

Empower us 

And we will power you.

Dating will bring up your old stuff.  Run don't walk to the nearest therapist. 

I’d like to be someone’s first choice 

Not someone’s “do you ever straighten your hair” choice

Or “Blondes are my favorite but you’re cute too” choice 

or “Whatever I guess you’ll do”

choice.

Not “ It doesn’t matter what you say” choice “because I know better anyway” choice

Not “I’m attracted to your body, but I don’t really know you” choice “or care to” choice because “that’s way too much trouble and this whole thing is about what I want not what you do” choice. Which goes with the   “I’m not really invested in listening to you or understanding you” choice. 

So yeah, also not down for “your body looks hot but who cares what’s inside your head” choice, or “when do we get to have sex” choice.

Because just to be clear

I’m not the leftovers 

I’m not the snack

I’m a full gourmet meal made from scratch 

With a lifetime guarantee 

And no expiration date 

I’m not an “any girl will do” to sample

Because I’m not just any woman for you to handle

I’m someone who deserves someone 

Who knows the real crux

Is if they are lucky enough 

To be my choice 

Egalitarian Hopes and Dreams, Medieval Style

Give me a partner

Who will not surge ahead

Nor lag behind

But walk at my side

Shoulder to shoulder 

Shield to shield 

Sword in scabbard 

Ready to fight with me

Or endure the journey 

Someone who, like me

Defies the dragon of age

The monster of comfort 

The serpent of superiority 

Who drinks with me from the fountain of youth

Knowing it will only postpone the inevitable 

But will take each extra year as a gift

Not to stroll through the vineyards at home 

And sip wine in peace

But to go on another quest 

To make the world a little less dark and dangerous 

For someone else 

 

I am like the kings of old

I wish to die in battle

My sword in hand 

Not at home in bed 

I know what this means 

By odds

I will fight alone

For what man of my generation 

With the privilege of choice

Would choose hardship 

Unless lit by the same wildfire

That burns in me

Most with that fire,

were mated long ago

And are now still knit in happy union

With the wives of their choosing 

Those men not bonded in their youth

Or those who left their wives

Or who were left by their wives 

Populate the taverns 

Frequent the brothels 

And scoff at me standing outside in the way

Vainly looking for a companion 

They mock my mission 

They call to me to join them for a drink 

Or a roll in the hay 

So I walk away

Perhaps as I travel 

I’ll find another old warrior like me

Perhaps not

But I have no choice 

Because my strange fire 

Won’t burn in a domestic hearth 

It would go out in a fireplace 

It only burns brightly

On a naked torch 

Held high in the night

Men like their fires to stay home

To cook their food and warm

their bones as they age

Not wandering in the woods

Seeking the lost

Nor do they want to be the one

To welcome the warrior home

And wash her wounds 

There might be one 

Perhaps our paths will cross

I’ll think I'll know him if I see him

And maybe he’ll know me.

A great quote (which I will remember for next year):

 And to end on a light note, here are the winners for men's profile posts this year that made me laugh:

"If we ever date you tell no one that we met on the internet.  Our story is: we met saving a puppy from a burning building."

"The space ship I was on pulled over for a bathroom break.  Apparently they didn't do a head count prior to leaving!  So here I am on Bumble trying to find a good woman to spend time with on this planet while I try and MacGyver a new ship together."

"cannabis grow room consultant. Is twist psycho salvage. Moved back to stay with my dad before covid hit now im stuck I can't drive anymore bad vision. Must be able to drive to meet me.420 responsible loving caring good harted like rat rods,cars,trucks, motorcycles I was a motorcycle mechanic before I lost part of my vision.If you not drive here to meet me don't respond.must like dogs I want another 1. I do use "

"Looking for someone to buy drinks and dinner for so they have to listen to my rockstar jokes."

"Listen, I don't want to brag but I once picked out a movie to watch on Netflix in under 30 minutes.  I'm Vaccinated too.  I'm looking for a woman who is mean clingy and jealous.  Must hate Tacos. In my free time I like to take my shirt off and post with dead animals.  Hi 5's with strangers at a bar, every 2 minutes? Yes Please.  Wanna hear about my car? Well you're gonna.  Oh and I hate to laugh.  So hurry up and swipe right, because I can't live with my Mom forever."

"Let's skip the endless texting and find a patio."

Aftermath 

(Added on December 2nd - what would have been my 26th wedding anniversary)

Dating is like 

Raking my soul over hot coals

Singeing off the calluses 

That took years to build up

Like a mediocre guitar player

With seasoned fingers 

I had learned to play solo 

comfortably and well

Simple common tunes 

Pretty enough 

If somewhat rote and dry

Now my raw bloody finger tips

Can barely move to form  

The most basic of chord progressions 

Or hold a pick to strum

Why did I sacrifice my comfort 

And basic skill level

For the remote chance 

That I could learn to play 

Complex intricate music 

Arrangements for two

It’s because I’m haunted 

By the distant sound

Of a siren melody

Begging to be learned 

Cajoling to be played 

Calling me to join in

But so elusive 

Riff reclusive

When I try to follow 

To capture it

Play along 

And learn just a measure

Of that lilting duet 

It slips away

Cutting my fingers to shreds

As it slides again out of reach 

Mocking me with its faraway echo

Leaving me alone 

And bleeding in the silence.

“Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?” - Ron Swanson, twice divorced, (Parks and Rec)

Someone asked- Do you think any of these men will read your blog?  And the answer is no.  So far I have not met anyone in the dating context who cares enough to take the time to invest anything beyond a cursory glance to the words that show who I am and how I feel, even when offered directly to them. 

So far...