Sunday, July 26, 2015

Cutting Versus Healing (Not just for VBACs)

It only takes five minutes to perform a C-section.  Five minutes to cut a woman open, and pull her baby out of her body.  Of course that’s not counting the prep time, or the delivery of the afterbirth and suturing up afterwards- that’s another 30-45 minutes.   The physical healing of that incision will then take weeks, and for some women, months.

It takes five minutes to put a permanent scar on a woman she will carry for the rest of her life, both physically and emotionally.  It may have been necessary.  It may not have been.  But the scar is the same.  It doesn’t take much time to mark a woman with something she will always have with her, inside and out.

In contrast, consider the process of a woman deciding to try for a VBAC, a vaginal birth after cesarean.  When the woman who has had a C-section gets pregnant again, she may not want to accept the outdated “once a C-section, always a C-section” saying, which more and more people are realizing isn’t true or always the safest choice.  She will do research, read studies, and find out that the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) now states that it is acceptable for women to have a trial of labor after a C-section and many will be able to give birth vaginally.

That statement does not make it automatic however.  The woman now has to find a health care provider who can support her in this goal of laboring and delivering naturally, in spite of her scar.  Many providers are not interested.  It is, after all, much easier to schedule a repeat C-Section that will be a convenient date on the calendar and take five minutes.  So women may turn to midwife based care to meet this goal, and here is often the place she finds a safe supportive environment.

This is where I come in.  Several times a year I get to walk alongside special women in their journey of attempting a VBAC.  My role is to assist the healing, the “do-it-right-this-time”, the “try-again-for-what-I-want.”  I provide the same high quality prenatal care for VBAC moms as I do for all my pregnant ladies, but the VBAC mamas have special needs. 

As their due date approaches, they will have more anxiety.  Will their bodies work?  Will they go into spontaneous labor without being induced?  What if they don’t?  What if they get stuck again, at whatever point they got stuck at before?

Unfortunately they not only have to deal with their own internal questions, but the external ones coming at them from friends and relatives and even strangers. What does your doctor say?  Is your midwife trained to handle this?  You mean she won’t induce you?  What if you don’t go into labor on your own? Isn’t that dangerous to go so far past your due date?

At this point I become a life coach as much as a midwife.  I expect daily texts and phone calls.  I expect my VBAC clients to go past their due dates, and to have to discuss each day how we will manage that.  There will be extra sonograms to make sure baby is doing well, extra chiropractic adjustments to make sure mama is doing well, extra supplements to buy, extra office visits to evaluate contractions that will be happening on and off for days before “real” labor sets in. 

Then, at last, labor.  It may be her very first attempt, or just her first attempt since her surgery, but either way, a big FIRST.   I will be there with plenty of encouragement, extra mama and baby monitoring, reassuring family when needed, and with constant presence.  There will be physical and emotional hurdles and much need for patience and endurance.  We will all invest many hours and much sweat and probably some tears in reaching the final goal.  

All this effort to get past something that took five minutes to do.  

Years of waiting and thinking and reliving the past experience, months of research, days of interviewing providers, more months of pregnancy care, weeks of nail-biting, days and hours of early labor, more hours of active painful labor…to achieve natural birth.  

Past the scar. 

That scar that took someone five minutes to make.

But that’s how it is in life.  It is easy to cause pain.  It only takes a minute to cut someone deep, to speak words or behave in a way that makes a permanent scar on a person's soul. It is much harder to be a part of healing the scars the pain leaves behind.  And it takes many times longer to heal than it did to get hurt in the first place.

It’s one of the things I enjoy about being a midwife.  I like being on the healing team. As someone who has many scars myself (not the C-Section kind) – I know how important it is, how necessary if we are to go on living, and go on living well. 

And all the time, all the “inconvenience”, all the lost sleep and personal time on my part as a midwife is worth it in exchange for being a part of a woman’s healthy healing redemptive experience that will also stay with her, for the rest of her life.

To me, that's the more valuable skill to offer a woman. 

This skill is not exclusive to midwives with VBAC clients, but what people need all areas of life. Everyone needs someone to be patient with them when they are anxious, to be longsuffering with them when they are needy, to speak words of encouragement when they are discouraged, and to offer hope of a better outcome in the future.

Particularly those people who are trying to push past their scars.

It's a skill all of us can develop.  It's a choice to build up instead of tear down, to heal instead of hurt, to fix instead of break, to be patient instead of impatient, to stop and listen instead of being in a hurry.  

Because everyone has scars and everyone needs healing. 

And most people can push past them, if they just have the right support.



Saturday, May 30, 2015

21 Days of Grace, plus a lot more




In two days I’ll be a published author.

The funny thing is, while I have written prolifically all my life both in jobs and for pleasure, this was not a goal I was actively pursuing.

It’s kind of one of those extra unexpected gifts from God.

We all have things we pray and pray and pray for, and finally see happen, and that’s cool. Most of us also have things we pray and pray and pray for that don’t happen, and that’s hard. 

So getting something you hadn’t been praying for- well, that’s like getting a dozen roses when it isn’t your birthday or Mother’s Day. You could say getting published in 21 Days of Grace with a bunch of other cool authors for me is like getting flowers delivered on an ordinary Monday.

It feels redemptive as well.  I find personal significance in the fact that this book is being released almost to the day of the 7th anniversary of my very painful divorce.  The Pain Redemption.  It started as one of my many blog musings and ending up developing into a devotional.

On so many levels, God has indeed redeemed my pain.  The pain of parental rejection has helped me be a better parent and highly value my relationships with my kids.  The pain of spousal betrayal and the shame of divorce taught me about grace and the importance of extending it to others.  The pain of church and ministry conflicts taught me not to overlook character issues in leadership for the sake of the work of the ministry, or for the sake of acceptance.  

God redeemed the preparation I was doing for the mission field into job training that allowed me to support my family in work I love here in the States as a midwife.  He redeemed my time overseas as a missionary into understanding for the issues my missionary patients face, as well as cultural sensitivity for my international patients.   

And finally, he has redeemed the writing I have done to process my pain and my journey toward healing into something that will hopefully be an encouragement to others as well.

My prayer is as you read each story in 21 Days of Grace, you will be encouraged by the themes of grace and redemption that are present in them all.
 

Available from Amazon, Walmart.com, Christianbook.com, or BarnsandNoble.com

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Everything

As a full time midwife and a single homeschooling mom of three teenagers, I’ve noticed a recent reoccurring emotion.

I feel like I’m perpetually on the giving end.  The person in any and every given situation who does the most, sacrifices the greatest, works the hardest, and stretches the farthest.  I do so much for others with much less help and support than everyone else gets. Whether it’s the parenting, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, the scheduling, the school work teaching and grading, the driving people around, the budgeting, the bill paying, the car maintenance, the yard maintenance, the honey-do list I do for myself, the working to make a living for my family, the life and death 24 hour on call responsibilities of my profession, and most of all (dramatic sigh), the going behind others to fix what wasn’t done well.  With so little appreciation.

Because really, you know, I have to do everything myself.

On Maundy Thursday while taking communion, I tried to focus my mind off of my never ending to-do list and on the elements and all they represent.  Taking the reminders of Jesus’ blood and His broken body was a sharp contrast to my stressful week.  As I struggled to focus on the Last Supper and all Jesus suffered and sacrificed, I suddenly had a beautiful thought. 

Jesus gave so much, much more than I ever have, for me, and for everyone.  He sacrificed more, suffered more, loved more- and surely has gotten much less in return from every person he made that sacrifice for, even the most appreciative.  I cannot “one up” Jesus.  I cannot play my martyr card in the face of the One who died for me- who gave me more than I could ever give Him- who did for me more than I will ever do for Him.   

I felt peace in the revelation that everything was not, after all, up to me.  Everything does not begin with me getting up in the morning and hitting my to-do list with a running start, and end when I fall exhausted in bed at night.

Because actually everything began with Jesus.  And He ever so perfectly finished everything on the cross and with His resurrection.  Without my help. 

Or going behind Him to fix things. 

Because the redemptive work of Jesus in His life, death and resurrection changed everything.

Hallelujah.

 





Saturday, January 31, 2015

God is everywhere... but we aren't.



After reading yet another abrasive Christian blog, ranting on rude Christian people who had been railing on another Christian blog that offended them, and then here come the follow up blogs to the original blog, (all on women’s clothing!!! OMG- stop the madness!!) I’m pondering again the many sided monster the body of Christ sometimes is. I guess it always has been, but now on the internet we get to see it displayed like never before.

There always have been debates and different points about life styles among Christ-followers all the way back to the time of the Apostles- but they weren't blogging their points of view on the internet with the churches of Asia minor reading them instantly, re-posting on Facebook, and then blogging responses and commenting vehemently back and forth.

More and more I’m becoming convinced it is important to step back from our forums, from our blog postings, from sharing about the path we are on, from making the direction God is moving us in lifestyle our doctrine de facto, and see what God is doing in someone who is moving in the opposite direction.  Yes, it is possible.

Consider these blog debates on (primarily) first world life style issues:

One woman is convicted by the Holy Spirit that she’s been dressing too provocatively and decides to stop wearing leggings, while another woman who has spent years trying to get free from a legalistic dress code finally gets the freedom from the Holy Spirit to wear yoga pants to church. 

One Christian support group on Facebook exists to support survivors of a legalistic cult who celebrate the escape from dress, eating and lifestyle behaviors that another Christian Facebook group (not a cult) exists to help its members develop. 

One mother blogs about how she’s been convicted to get her space organized, and another shares how she’s learned to relax and not be so uptight about housework.

One mom posts a “get off your iPhone and pay attention to your kids” blog and then there follows a, “I am a good mom and actually this phone is helping me get stuff done while spending time with my kids,” response.

One person blogs about books and movies of all genres and what spiritual lessons they gained from them, and another encourages Christians be more discriminating in their media choices and stick with God’s Word for teaching and revelation.

Someone posts about finally getting motivated to exercise and lose weight and makes that a part of his or her spiritual journey, and someone else posts about getting free from an exercise and image obsession and learning to be comfortable with the body they have.

One person blogs about being convicted not to spend so much time with friends, and to have more serious quiet time with God, and someone else journals about getting set free from being too serious and realizing that it isn't nonspiritual to go out and have fun with friends.

And Christians keep weighing in their opinions on each other’s peripheral and random issues, very much based on what God is doing in THEIR lives at the time, and not considering that God could be taking someone else the opposite direction.  

Consider for a minute that God is everywhere, on all sides of us.
 
He is with the recovering alcoholic who celebrates every day of not taking a sip, and also with the Christian who has come to believe it is not a sin to have wine at dinner with friends.  He is with the mother who is blogging about child training and the importance of teaching manners, and also the mother who is blogging about accepting her children’s behavior and seeing beyond the external.  He is with the young person being convicted to have a more disciplined lifestyle and with the older Christian convinced to lighten up.

He is with the woman convicted to be more be more modest in her dress, and the woman who has been set free from a legalistic dress code.  He is with the parent convicted to put down her phone, and with the one set free to pick it up.  He is with the single person who decides they won’t date and the one who decides they will.  He is with the family blogging about getting healthier in their food choices and posting gluten free recipes, as well as the one posting pictures of sugar frosted cupcakes from their last birthday party.

I’m a blogger myself.  I have opinions too, and I like to blog about them.  I’m on a life-journey with the rest of humanity, and I like to write about that journey.  Furthermore, I love finding blogs with like-minded people, moving in the same direction.  It’s like a high five. Someone else ‘gets it’, someone else affirms my direction. But what about when I read a blog that reflects a place I was ten years ago and now have a different perspective on?   It’s easy, for example, as I travel from supreme legalism toward grace, to judge blogs that extol things I’m moving away from.  I can easily project that they must be legalistic if they do things I did when I was legalistic, but, it ain’t necessarily so.  And even if it is, rarely will a blog debate change anyone’s mind.  In fact it can quickly get very vitriolic and nasty with everyone firmly in their own point of view, and no one really hearing anyone else’s except through the filter of “you aren't doing the right thing because that’s not where I am now, or how I see it, and I know God is on my side ‘cause I have a good relationship with Him, and I’m well informed on this topic, so that means by default you need to be enlightened.” 

Er, no, actually not.  God is not limited by the same time period, culture, age, generation, lifestyle, doctrine, preference time space continuum that we are.  Not at all.  He is everywhere.  We aren't.

So this one is for all the spiritual bloggers.  Keep writing.  Keep posting your journey.  Keep walking the direction you feel God is leading you.  Keep looking for like-minded people. But remember to be kind to others you meet going the other direction.  Don’t make assumptions. Don’t bash them.  Don’t counter blog their blogs.  Just keep blogging your own.   Nicely.   The golden rule applies to the internet world too.  Just sayin’.

Don’t bash others and end up bashing Him.

‘Cause God is everywhere, in lots of places that you aren't.
  


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Still here. Still alive. Merry Christmas.

Imagine getting a Christmas letter that admitted someone in the family was struggling with pornography or another addiction.  Or that another member of the family was in counselling for depression and an eating disorder.  Or that the whole family had been hurt in church and now nobody wanted to go back.

Imagine reading from a friend’s letter that the husband and wife were in marriage counselling and didn't know if they were going to stay together.  Imagine finding out in an end of year missive that someone’s child was in trouble with the law, or serving time.  What would you think reading descriptions of the tension between a new blended family trying to adjust to two visitation schedules with two ex’s?

The fact of the matter is, any time any of us have a bad year, we aren’t as likely to send out Christmas cards or a Christmas letter.  If we’ve experienced a death in the family, struggled financially, had medical issues, serious kid problems, emotional trauma, a divorce, church drama, or just a year where everything seemed to go wrong, we don’t really feel like sharing.  Those things don’t go as well in the end of year brag letter as do educational accomplishments, travel, promotions and awards. 

After all, no one is completely honest in those letters anyway, right?  And even if we are truthful, we are selective. We tell about the highlights of our year, but rarely the struggles in between.  And if the “in between” was bigger that whatever we could come up with to brag about… just never mind. 

And now you know why you don’t get one of those letters from the Andersons.

So what about the Christmas card picture?  The one where we are all smiling in our best clothes and the carefully planned background.  The one that took like 100 shots to get everyone looking at the camera and everyone’s expressions just right, and everyone was ready to kill each other by the time we were finished.

Our family does do one of those.  We’ve figured out that if we plan a “Christmas picture shoot” it leads to tension and disaster (even now that there are no more toddlers in the family- sorry to disappoint you) so what we do now is select some pictures taken in the past year and stored on the computer and use those. 

And yes, we do pick the best ones.  And as I address envelopes to friends and family I rarely see or communicate with in person, I think about what message I am sending with my card.

Honestly, it isn’t “look at us, don’t we look good.” It’s more like, “Hey, look, we are still here.  We survived another year!”  I’m a single mom, but willing to send out a family photo card anyway.  Yep, here I am, gaining a little weight, still single, still hanging in there.  And my kids- yes, they are beautiful, but they have struggles too.  Like me, they are making the best of things, not smiling because of everything, but in spite of everything.



We are like the prehistoric granny in animated Dreamworks film The Croods who wakes up every day and pops up out of every disaster with a triumphant “STILL ALIVE!”

So if you get a Christmas card from us, you can just do a little mental translation. 

It says, "Merry Christmas,"  but what it really means is-


STILL ALIVE! 

(By God grace.) 



Sunday, June 29, 2014

My history according to Maleficent



Spoiler alert.  If you haven’t seen the film Maleficent this blog is going to make no sense.  If you don’t watch or approve of Disney movies like Maleficent, it’s time to hit your mouse (not Mickey).
I just finished watching the movie Maleficent for the second time.  The first time I was somewhat distracted by Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones but otherwise completely engaged by a well-written, well-acted upside down version of Snow White.  However the second time around my thoughts went a layer deeper into the plot.
My conclusion: This predictable fairy tale has been turned into a serious redemption story.
Maleficent innocently falls in love.  She gives her heart to a boy.  A boy who grows up into a man, and then betrays her.  He pretends to love her, gets her to trust him, and then cuts off her wings for his own selfish gain.
Yep, that’s pretty much my story.  The scene where Maleficent wakes up and finds her wings gone, where she shrieks in horror and pain and despair… that the one she loved and thought loved her could do this and leave her maimed for life… well, that was me, waking up from my fairy tale turned nightmare. 
I get her rage too.  It feels really justified.  As she painfully gets up out of the fetal position on the cold ground and hobbles off with the use of a staff into a world now turned dark, I see myself as I was emotionally for a long time.
But, from that man who betrayed her, comes a child named Aurora.  A child who slowly but surely melts the cold ice of Maleficent’s life.  Someone who shares half the DNA of the person who caused her the most pain, is the source of healing what is left of Maleficent’s heart.   Through her self-appointed mission of protecting Aurora, Maleficient comes to care more about Aurora and her future and her happiness than any thoughts of revenge. 
Aurora teaches  Maleficent how to live and laugh and love again. And at the end, it is Maleficent’s true love’s kiss – the love of a mother for a daughter- that saves the princess.   And it is Aurora’s love for Maleficent – the only mother she has ever known- that gives Maleficent back her wings and sets her free to fly again. 
Maleficent’s skepticism about the existence of true love melts.  And her understanding of the different kinds of true love deepens.
Yep.  Pretty  much.
I love the last scene, the protector Maleficent looking contentedly over the restored kingdom, and at her “daughter” reigning in joy, loved by all.
Most of the time these days, that’s where I am.  Can I just say, it feels good to have my wings back. 



Except I don’t look anything like Angelina. 


Thank God.  Those cheekbones are scary.  Not to mention the horns.


Disclaimer: I love to see symbolism and truth in fiction, but I in no way allow them to replace the true Gospel.  I acknowledge Jesus as the Restorer of all things and the Power behind the scenes working all things together for my good, and His love that is the source of true Redemption.  My three “Auroras” (sorry son, its just symbolism) are His gift, and have been a huge part of His healing in my life.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Resurrection!


Life after death.  Hope after despair.  Freedom after bondage. Forgiveness after condemnation. Acceptance after rejection. 

Grace after judgment.

Is it any wonder this is my favorite time of the whole year, of my whole existence?

I’m so grateful for Jesus, and how He went out of His way during His life time on earth to demonstrate what His attitude would be toward me as a woman and an individual before I was even born.

I’m sure we can agree nothing Jesus did during His three year ministry was without significance, so consider a few examples.

The first person Jesus told He was the Messiah was a woman.   And not a super-upright uptight upper-middle class woman in Israel, but a wrong-side of the tracks social outcast living with her boyfriend.  He told her He was the Messiah before He told His own disciples.  According to His culture, He shouldn't speak to her at all, he should cross the road and not even look in her direction, and yet He boldly looked her in the eyes, engaged her in conversation and trusted her with his most important revelation. (John 4:1-42)

Jesus publicly stood up for a woman condemned to death for adultery by religious law and saved her from being stoned.  Then He humiliated the men who were pointing fingers at her, and openly offered her mercy and forgiveness. (John 8:3-11) Culturally men did not stand up for women at that time. (And rarely in this.) 

Jesus also made a point of showing that He valued women as individuals, and not for their domestic role.  Two women, Martha and Mary competed for His approval, one by doing housework and cooking meals and another by sitting and talking with Him. Jesus expressed preference for the one who used her mind to listen and learn, and her heart to have a relationship with Him, over the one who could keep house and cook a mean roast lamb. (Luke 10:38-42)

And most amazingly...

Jesus revealed Himself first to women after His resurrection. He chose women as the first eye-witnesses that He was alive, and appointed them as the first evangelists.  He trusted them as reliable, and put them first, in a culture that didn't trust them, and put them last.  (Matthew 28:1-10) Under Jewish law at that time, a woman was not even considered a reliable witness in court. 

Jesus showed that in His kingdom, unlike in the ones on earth (both past and present, both secular and religious), women could be trusted, could be forgiven, were worth defending, were valuable and worth having a relationship with, and finally, were individuals whose testimony and witness of the gospel could be trusted.

And so, when it was my turn, Jesus welcomed me. When I was rejected, when I was judged, when I was abused, when I was deemed not worth standing up for, when I was labeled not good enough, when I was lied about, when I was condemned, when I was mistrusted and maligned, when I was told my value was limited to a domestic support role, Jesus had already contradicted all those lies over 2000 years earlier.

And most of all, when I was told I could not hear from God myself reliably to obey and follow Him, that I needed to be “under a covering” or I would surely be deceived and get it wrong- Jesus said differently.

He says I can give a reliable testimony of His resurrection and freely share the good news.

And so I do, and boldly. 

Jesus is Risen!  He is Risen Indeed!!
 






Monday, March 17, 2014

Why What Happened in the Bill Gothard Movement Matters Part 2 (And How Becoming a Midwife Temporarily Saved Me From It)




Since I wrote Part 1, I’ve been a little surprised at the number of visitors to my little blog.  There are many other websites that provide a more wide spread and comprehensive forum for ATI survivors to share their journeys.  What seems to have struck a chord was how much the doctrine that came through Bill Gothard’s Basic and Advanced Seminars and the ATI curriculum spread and affected those who were not an actual part of the movement, like myself.
The homeschool movement itself has been a huge current into which many branches have fallen and affected those of us who were swimming in the river.  While homeschooling itself was just an educational choice, those who chose it were often more “extreme-conservative” in their lifestyle choices, and that very much flavored the whole stream for a very long time.  IBLP and ATI were two of the biggest branches that were log-jamming the whole thing.


This is why at homeschool book fairs it became common to see a large majority of young people and their parents dressed in jumpers and button down oxford shirts. This might be because they were ATI , or it might be because they were influenced by the general current philosophy that flavored the stream that Christian home education, traditional roles in the home and more traditional dress (women wearing skirts and dresses exclusively) were a package deal.  Booths at these fairs might include a large one from ATI, Vision Forum, Above Rubies, and multiple other small ones with everything from dress patterns, to coming of age and courtship books, to cookbooks, that fit into the conservative healthy lifestyle.  Even the images and illustrations in so much of the Christian curriculum on display (Rod and Staff, Christian Liberty Press) would show women dressed very conservatively, children obediently smiling, and everyone in traditional roles - to the point that these things were all melded in our minds as indistinguishable.
So, back to my story, which is really the only one in which I can to speak with any kind of authority, and why I am telling it.  My motive in sharing it is that it may help others on their own road of sorting and healing. 


 My family and I jumped into that off-mainstream-road into the homeschooling-stream in 1981, when I was 11 years old.  It was not the typical diving board. I had been doing fairly well going to public school in our small town, but then when I hit 5th grade I had a slightly imbalanced male teacher who would occasionally get verbally and sometimes even physically abusive with the kids in the class, besides not doing a very good job of teaching.  My mom was furious, couldn’t get support from the other parents to get him removed, and finally decided it was easier just to take me out.  She didn’t know anyone who was currently homeschooling, but had read about it in an article sent to her by her sister about the humanism coming into public schools (mainly the teaching of evolution) and how to help your kids navigate it.  In the final paragraph there was a brief mention of home schooling as an option.
(You will notice I keep mentioning my mom but not my dad.  My dad was a dysfunctional alcoholic mostly absent parent who had very little influence over me at this point. What I didn’t realize about my mother at the time was that along with an on-going battle with depression she also had borderline personality disorder.  This causes a person to see situations and people as either all bad or all good, nothing in between.  Hence her quick jump to all-bad public school= we must homeschool. )


My mom latched on to that idea, ordered some Abeka books from Christian Liberty Academy (because that was one of the few companies providing curriculum at the time- Bill Gothard had not started ATI yet), and bam, we were homeschoolers.  My only sibling was a brother, six years younger and autistic, who had only gone to a church kindergarten, so she started him in first grade.
A key part of my story is that at this point my family was not ultra conservative nor legalistic. In fact we were enjoying some positive fruits of freedom from the Jesus movement that surged throughout the 70s and influenced the way we lived as Christians.  We went to a healthy non-demoninational evangelical church, attended women’s Aglow meetings, listened to enthusiastic bearded guitar playing Christian artists like Don Francisco, came up to Dallas to hear speakers at Christ for the Nations, and read the Last Days Ministry newsletter from Keith Green. Other than the fact that my mom was strict about TV and kept me on a steady diet of PBS shows like Mr. Rodgers and Sesame Street instead of letting me watch the Dukes of Hazard, Happy Days and Saturday morning cartoons, I was kind of a normal late70s early 80s kid who dressed and ate and watched and read somewhat consistently with my time period in America. 


And then homeschooling changed all that.  When we jumped into the stream my mom picked up various bits of flotsam that she adapted to her fancy.  We weren’t nearly as specifically legalistic as the ATI family mold, but my mom soon developed her own quirky version as we floated along.
Clothing, for example.  We didn’t go all exclusive dresses for gals, and I never heard the term “eye trap,” but it was decided that pants with zippers were “men’s clothing.”  By the time I was 13 (1982) I had to find pants and jeans without zippers.  Anybody want to guess how hard that was?  Also the pants were carefully scrutinized not to be too tight (Mom’s definition: showing any curve from my seat down the back of my leg), so I was usually forced to buy at least a size bigger than necessary.  Swimsuits usually had to be specially made for me and resembled more of a mini dress. 
Food, for another thing.  My mother read the book Sugar Blues by William Duffy (published 1975) around the time she was pulling me out of public school.  It was actually quite ground breaking and gave her some excellent dietary keys to helping my brother’s hyperactivity that were way ahead of the curve.  Unfortunately, not eating sugar and white flour quickly became, not just a healthy lifestyle choice, but one more sign that we were more spiritual that the people still eating sugar because our bodies were temples of the Holy Spirit and we were keeping ours cleaner than theirs.
These were relatively minor -although not at all minor in my teenaged mind- I didn’t want to dress provocatively, just be like everyone else- wear jeans and eat candy bars- uh huh, gotcha! - that was exactly what I was NOT supposed to want, you know. But minor compared to the stronger previously mentioned mandates in Part 1 that quickly crept in and instructed me not to have dreams for myself beyond getting married and having kids.  No jobs. No dating. No college.  No goals. 

(What do you think?  Was the individualized legalism my mother developed for me any less quirky and random than the laws developed for the ATI students?  I thought this post was one of the best I have ever read at pointing out the inconsistencies, and it helped me more clearly see the ones in my story as well: 

http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/the-many-valuable-lessons-i-learned-in-ati-lauras-story/ 

Did your family develop random extra-Biblical or inconsistent legalistic rules for you to follow that affected you?)

This is where I would like to make another important point.  Remember I mentioned that my mother had chronic struggles with depression and had borderline personality disorder.  It wasn’t until much, much later in my adult years that I realized she picked both lifestyle and doctrine that matched her dysfunction. 
It was much easier for her to stay home with me that go out and take me to school and deal with people.  As a young person she had felt traumatized when her family expected her to go to college and get a job, and had suffered emotional breakdowns as a result.  In her mind, when a Christian doctrine came along that said that shouldn’t have been expected of her to go to work and go to college in the first place, it totally justified her reaction- and she was ready to pass that all on to me.


Her borderline personality did well with the “us and them” mentality that existed between homeschoolers and public schoolers in the 1980s, and well into the 90s.  In general, Christian homeschoolers espoused that if you were a real Christian who cared about your kids getting raised right and turning out right, you had to homeschool, because public school would absolutely ruin your kids and destroy all the traditional values you worked so hard to put into them.  Christians who had their kids in public school generally thought the homeschooling parents were weird and overprotective and their kids would turn out to be un-socialized misfits.  Needless to say, their kids didn’t hang out together much.  This was a mentality greatly fostered in ATI as well, I noticed- you either were, or you weren't, in or out, a good ATI Christian or a not that great worldly one.
As I mentioned in part 1, I think the majority of Christian parents choose homeschooling for the right reasons.  But there was a significant minority of parents who choose homeschooling, and perhaps also ATI, because it fit in with an already present co-dependent or dysfunctional lifestyles or unhealthy emotional tendencies.  I think depending on the day, my mother could have been in either category. 


However as I got older, it was more in the dysfunctional category.  I was not allowed to have opinions that differed from hers without being labeled rebellious. This came both from the growing submission to parents teaching in the stream and her BPD which interprets all disagreement as betrayal. 
My father’s drinking worsened, and he began to get more and more violent, sometimes coming home in a drunken rage and throwing knives around in the kitchen.  (He had already been unfaithful many times.)  My mother, worried about our safety, took my brother and me and moved out when I was 14, hoping it would cause my dad to get help.  He didn’t. The divorce was final two years later.  (For the record, I’m glad whatever she was reading at the time didn’t tell her to stay and submit to that.) However we were never allowed to talk about what happened in front of other people– I’m not sure how much of that was shame, how much was control, or how much of that reminded my mother we weren’t the perfect Christian family she still somehow tried to keep up the appearances of.


In the meantime, we kept homeschooling.  By the age of 15 I tested out of all my curriculum and received an Alpha Omega high school diploma of completion.
So now what?  I was interested in midwifery, but deemed (rightly) too young to start an apprenticeship. I started helping a lady in my church clean houses for money.  (I brought the money home to the family.)That job was deemed acceptable since it was in homes.  Then I got a temporary office job with a doctor in my church.  (I brought the money home to the family.) That job was deemed acceptable because it was with someone from the church.  Then I got a job at a grocery store. (I brought the money home to the family.) That job was deemed acceptable because God gave it to me.


Because I was simply grateful to be let out of the house, I didn’t realize that I was experiencing evidence that exceptions could be made to “women shouldn’t work outside the home” rule when it was convenient to do so.  As with many laws made by man, the ones in my home could also be reinterpreted by man when there was a necessary end to a certain means.  (I’ve seen the same pattern in some of the testimonies from those recovering from ATI, particularly those who worked at headquarters.) My mother did not choose to reinterpret it for herself however.  She stayed home and homeschooled my brother.
The dating one was not reinterpreted though.  That one was unchangeable.  And I thoroughly internalized that one, and kept it as one of the Ten Commandments, believing that it would ensure me the happy marriage of my dreams, and not a broken one like my parents had.  My mother had nothing to worry about on that count.


When I was 18, I was allowed to start a midwifery apprenticeship.  This involved moving out of my mother’s home into the birthing center where I was working.  This was deemed acceptable because it was in a house instead of a college campus, the owner was a Christian, and my mother would rent a house right down the road where I would go on weekends.
*Insert Snoopy hyper happy dance here.*


I have to say it again:  Midwifery was one of the absolute best things that ever happened to me.  It was like getting on jet skis after spending my whole life floating on driftwood wherever the current took me.   My training finally gave me a purpose and (shhh!)a goal to achieve. But that was okay because I was called by God to be a midwife (actually true) and midwifery was deemed intrinsically a godly calling and appropriate for stay at home girls.  Whatever.  It was 1988, and I was brought into a place that had not been influenced by the teachings of Bill Gothard or ATI, into a profession where independent adult decision making skills by women (the midwives) were of paramount importance.  Although as an apprentice I attended the births of homeschoolers, and even some ATI families, I also attended births of every ethnicity , Christian denomination, religion and demographic present in the DFW area at that ime.  I rubbed shoulders with a lot of very strong independent opinionated women in an environment where those traits were defined as good and not bad.  It was a true 1980s sub-culture.


Not only that, but midwives had to study and research and think for themselves on intimate and controversial topics, and then pass that information on to clients for them to make informed decisions- that might differ from mine-but that was okay too.
But for that year and a half, from 1988-1990, I thrived.
In conclusion, becoming a midwife was the antidote to almost every lie I had been told about what I couldn’t and shouldn’t do up to that point.  There would be other lies later, so strong that even being an independent thinking midwife wouldn't be enough inoculation to save me from believing them.

To be (further) continued…

(Sorry about dragging it out, but hey, I'm a busy working midwife and homeschooling mom, I can only write so much at once.  Stay tuned, if interested. And please. Comment and tell me your story too.)











Saturday, March 8, 2014

Why What Happened in the Bill Gothard Movement Matters (Even If You Weren't In It)




Conservative Christians circles in the USA are currently very much abuzz with the drama happening at headquarters of the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) – a Christian non-denominational para-church organization that has heavily influenced Bible churches, the home-schooling movement and conservative Christian culture in America since the 1970s. The president and founder of IBLP, Bill Gothard, resigned two days ago, amid extensive allegations of sexual harassment spanning several decades.  


For years, the worst Bill Gothard and his teachings had been accused of publically of was being “legalistic,” and of taking scriptures out of context. But gradually, personal stories about oppressive emotional and spiritual abuse both at IBLP headquarters and among some of the families who subscribed to his teaching began to come out.  Beyond that, lots of the kids who grew up under his teachings had to struggle well into their adult years to comprehend grace.  It wasn’t until the internet provided a wide spread forum, and the stories started to include many accounts of sexual harassment by Bill Gothard himself, that he was finally was forced to resign. 


So who is Bill Gothard, and what’s the big deal?


One of the biggest of Bill Gothard’s influences was his Advanced Training Institute (ATI) which, for many, was the flagship curriculum of Christian home-based K-12 education along with some college alternative components.  Another huge part of IBLP was its Basic Seminars and Advanced Seminars that taught the many Basic Life Principles promoted by the movement.    



 These were purportedly all based on Bible scriptures, but often took scriptures out of context.  ATI materials did a great deal of sub-texting, and expanded, explained, interpreted, illustrated and “wisdom searched” verses so far beyond and apart from the original text and context that it created an entire very complex counter-culture among those who followed its hundreds of extra-Biblical laws.  Seven principles. 49 character qualities. Lots of wisdom booklets.


Basic Care Bulletins took general information about disease, preventative care, nutrition and health and mixed them in with Old Testament laws for Jews originally designed by God to show that righteousness by keeping rules was impossible.  These were "cherry-picked" and applied out of context to modern Gentile Christians living in the dispensation of grace.  This in turn led to a long list of dos and don’ts from what you could wear and not wear, eat and not eat, watch and not watch, listen to and not listen to, read and not read, think and not think.

The materials had a palatable form of godliness, containing a mixture of solid Christian doctrine and Bible verses, basic textbook knowledge in all subjects, woven in with lots of extra-Biblical materials and Bill Gothard’s opinions.  Since it was packaged all together as Biblical principles, they were often applied as such without question.
Why did so many Christians buy into it?  Two main influencers were timing and fear.  Bill Gothard’s principles hit the scene at a very crucial time in American culture.  Following the permissive 60s, conservative Christians in the States were afraid of losing their children to a secular culture that was increasing taking a path away from Biblical values. Being the independent pioneering people that Americans are, a few brave Christians decided they would fight this trend by educating their children themselves. They went against mainstream culture although they had little support, and few tools or curriculum available to help them accomplish their goals. (My mother was one of these.)
Into this void came Bill Gothard and his Basic Life Principles. He assured Christian parents they were doing the right thing to home-school if they wanted to be truly committed Christians and have their children turn out right.  He promised that if parents followed his pattern, applied his principles, kept his rules, did these things, (but not all these other things), their goals for their children and their families would be accomplished. He offered them hope.
By the way, in case you are wondering, the Bible doesn’t say you have to home-school to have godly children.
There were few alternative choices or voices, and the seeds of the Bill Gothard influence gradually began to grow and put down deep roots in the conservative non-denominational “come-out-er” type circles.  In the greater evangelical protestant Christian circles, not so much.  Those American Christians who were less fearful and less concerned about protecting their children from the evil world, and more concerned about going about their middle-class lives working, paying their bills, paying off their homes, taking care of their families, going to church on Sundays and getting their kids a good public education looked on some of Bill Gothard’s doctrines and practices as rather bizarre and unnecessary when they crossed the paths of those following them.
But many others, many conscientious parents, many fearful parents, many parents insecure in their own ability to raise obedient kids, many good parents just “wanting to do it right”, many first generation Christians wanting to make sure their kids didn’t go wild like they did, got pulled into Bill Gothard’s teachings and heavily influenced. This was along a few really unhealthy parents and people who latched onto this movement and its teachings for all the wrong reasons. (My mother was one of these.) 
I was born in 1969.   Although I was homeschooled from 5th grade through high school, we did not personally use ATI materials. We did not join the BG movement, we weren’t an ATI family. (We wouldn’t have qualified even if we had wanted to. Small blessings.) I’m pretty sure we never even went to a Basic Seminar.  And yet, the things that leaked out of that movement into the lives and doctrine of my family and my heart would influence me as much as if I had been right in the middle of it.
Because actually, I was.  I am a product of the Bill Gothard generation.
This is why I’m writing this blog.  You see, like me, if you were alive during the Bill Gothard generation (which has actually now spanned more than two generations, 1961-2013), you were influenced by it.  If not directly, then very possibly indirectly through the lives of others you knew. There is an excellent chance you are interacting with the consequences in the lives of people around you now.  I certainly am.
Allow me to elaborate.
Before I was 13 I was told by my mother that I didn’t need to go to college.  Girls should live at home until they get married.  And then be a stay at home mom. 
Where in world of 1980s America did she get this idea from? This concept was first widely preached as a “Biblical” doctrine in America by Bill Gothard.  It was also heavily reinforced by a book called The Way Home, by Mary Pride that was written in 1985 that eschewed feminism and called for Christian women to return to more traditional roles. This idea which grew into a belief was quickly picked up by the growing home-school movement at large, into which Mary Pride was also a primary contributor with her books and magazine on homeschooling.  The idea was also promoted by others in the homeschooling movement that included other smaller conservative Christian “streams” like the Christian Quiverful movement, No Greater Joy Ministries (Michael and Debbie Pearl), and the family church movement.  Eventually, girls staying at home until they got married was commonly understood to be, in these circles, as absolutely “what the Bible says”.
Prior to that in American culture, girls (Christian and otherwise) often did live at home until they got married, and didn’t always go to college, but this was either by economic necessity or practicality- not as a measure of virtue or goodness or godliness or spirituality and certainly not as a practice of any Biblical doctrine.
Because actually (in case you are wondering) the Bible doesn’t say anything about going to college or not, regardless of gender.
Another thing I was told in my early teens.  Dating is bad.  Falling in love is a fictional fallacy. You need to let God just tell you who your husband will be when you see him for the first time. He will confirm His will to you through your parents.
This was the early edition of this trend, somewhat before the courtship movement was in full swing.  That developed a few years later in the progression of conservative Christian extra-Biblical doctrines . This was the idea that parents should pick a girl’s husband because arranged marriages are more godly.  It was heavily reinforced by the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” by Josh Harris which came out in 1997.  Many young people were encouraged to vow that they would only enter marriage by courtship as a guaranteed way to stay pure and find a godly spouse.
This was strongly associated with and promoted by the Bill Gothard movement.  Prior to that in America dating had been a generally acceptable way to find a spouse for quite some time, and was not considered intrinsically “non-Christian” or worldly by the church.  How you were raised and what was in your heart was basically what determined how the dating thing worked out for you. 
Because actually (in case you are wondering) the Bible doesn’t say anything about dating or not dating.
Unfortunately dating had gotten a bad rap, partially because of all the promiscuity of the 60s, and parents who came out of that were trying to counter it with something, anything, to keep their girls from getting pregnant in the back seat of a car on a date.  The solution presented by Bill Gothard was like a life preserver to committed Christian parents trying to keep their kids on the right track- Let’s just not let them date at all.  Let’s supervise them at all times.  And actually, let’s just tell them who they can marry.  That’s how it was in the good old days after all when almost no one got pregnant out of wedlock and no one got divorces. That will fix this problem.  
Bill Gothard taught that dating was practice for divorce, but a marriage that was built on a courtship would last.  And because the last thing any parent wanted was for their kids to get divorced, they bought it.
Bill Gothard also made up an illustration called an umbrella of protection. It was an example he used to promote his teaching that the husband was the high priest of the home and everyone in the home should be submitted to him in order to be blessed and protected. 
But actually (in case you are wondering) the Bible never says the husband is the high priest of the home, and never mentions an umbrella of protection.
If you were taught this, you have seen this picture before- you know exactly what I am talking about.  If you weren’t, you probably think it’s weird and are wondering why the big deal is, and why it matters.
Well, for one thing, it matters if you marry someone from this background.  A pastor once made this interesting statement that caught my attention about someone he had worked with.  “The husband had an ATI background, and was trying to make sure it didn’t influence his marriage.”  When I asked him to elaborate he said, “The chain of command teaching in particular.  When only one (the man) has a special relationship with and direction from God and others listen to God through him, and ‘him’ is fallen and sinful, abuse can follow along shortly.”
And the flip side of that teaching is that it also sets women up to resign themselves to that abuse should it happen, whatever kind it might be.  Because if your authority is always ordained by God and you must submit to be blessed, you may have a hard time knowing when it is okay to question it, and stand up for yourself.  This concept was reinforced through books that were approved by Bill Gothard and making the rounds like, Me? Obey Him, by Elizabeth Rice Handford,  and, Created to be His Help Meet, by Debi Pearl .
This influence also matters when you work with women who were raised under the umbrella.  Bill Gothard taught that children should let their parents make their decisions for them and determine God’s will for their lives.  This essentially meant that no matter what someone wanted to do, had an aptitude for, or felt called by God to do, if their parents didn’t approve it, it wasn’t God’s will and should be given up in order to stay blessed and protected.  Keep in mind, this doctrine was directed to ADULT children as well as minors. This by default fell much more heavily on the young women than on the young men.  It led to a lot of adult girls deciding it was either too painful or too conflicting to think for themselves, and they stayed in the habit of asking their parents’ permission to do anything of significance long after their less conservative peers had moved out and gone off to college as the normal course of events.
This unnatural depending on parents to direct life choices after adulthood was crippling.  It means there were tens of thousands of ATI girls who came of age in the 80s and 90s and 2000s who were basically waiting for the next male authority (a husband) to come into her life and tell her what to do next. And if he didn’t show up (or get selected by their dad) at 18, 19, 20, 21?  They often didn’t have many acceptable options, depending on their parents. If and when they did enter some job or field, some of them had trouble making decisions in a working environment where they weren’t supposed to be subservient.
Since midwifery was sometimes deemed an acceptable “office” for modest young women (excuse me a moment while I digress and laugh- doing vaginal exams and pap smears and suturing and showing birth videos to couples and discussing reproduction, modest?) we got a fair number of them deciding to become, or being allowed to become, midwives.
I am a daughter of these movements.  I was homeschooled, never dated, and planned to live at home until God told me who to marry and my parents approved and blessed my marriage.  I read The Way Home, All the Way Home and A Full Quiver, and lots of Bill Gothard’s publications and I believed them all. And although I wasn’t allowed to go to college, I was allowed to apprentice to become a midwife.
Which, thankfully, turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
To be continued…