Between 2017 and 2018

New Year's Eve!  That unique moment in time between two years. 

A strategic time of both looking back and looking forward.

And a great opportunity to sum up:

Lessons I learned in 2017 

(That will hopefully help me do better in 2018)

I have limits (duh).  And only I am the one who can both acknowledge and support that reality.  I cannot wait for another person to say, “That burden is too heavy, let me carry it with you.”  I must be willing to admit I am tired and put my own burden down for a while, or at least part of it.

I cannot resent the fact that people around me may not volunteer to support me or help me carry my burdens (or volunteer in the way I need).  I have to ask for help, and if people aren’t able to help me in the way I need, I must help myself and/or make necessary changes so that I am more regularly supported. 

Side note on this topic:  When people perceive you as a strong person, they are less likely to offer help, assuming you have things under control.  This in turn, makes it harder to ask for help or admit you have reached your limits.  We (seemingly) strong people have to admit we need help and ask for it anyway.

     People will let me down.

     I will let other people down.

     The outcome of these two truths will be determined by what kind of communication (or lack thereof) and forgiveness (or lack thereof ) takes place after the fact. 

     I need to surround myself with people who give me the benefit of the doubt. 

     I need to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

     What is “the benefit of the doubt”?  It is assuming a good motive on the part of the other person even when they say or do something that seems obviously wrong to you.  It is being willing to go to them and ask them what they meant or what happened, and listen to their explanation before reacting or discussing it with other people.

      Most Christians do not follow Matthew 18:15 as a pattern for dealing with offenses (the one about going to your brother privately and speaking to them directly) and will get very upset with you and accuse you of all kinds of things if you expect it or hold to it.  I already knew this very well from previous experiences but had it strongly confirmed again. Had a long conversation with a pastor friend about this who sadly verified, "Rarely do I see it end well when someone attempts to follow Biblical standards of dealing with offenses.     

     Everyone pretty much talks behind everyone’s back (see previous point) and will have some way of justifying it.  I have to know it is probably happening, but not do it myself, or let the fact that other people are doing it make me feel stressed out or insecure. 

     A lot of people are put off by honest direct communication and behavior and will dislike and/or reject me for it, and may even create unkind and untrue labels for me to justify their dislike and discomfort. I can’t let fear of rejection or of not being liked or of getting labeled keep me from speaking up or taking action when necessary. (Wisdom: knowing when it is truly necessary and when it isn’t.)

     The majority of people prefer comfortable and superficial interactions.  I need to be considerate and willing to go along with this when appropriate, and not see it as compromise, just a necessity for life in this world alongside people who are often not wired the same way I am.

     I have to accept all aspects of the reality of the four previous points and continue interacting and having relationships with people openly, graciously and with integrity. (Goals!)

I have an unapologetic high standard of expectation for honesty, loyalty and communication in relationships of all kinds, and this will not be changing. 

     This high standard of honesty, loyalty and communication in relationships, as well as a commitment  to follow Matthew 18:15, is something I hold to personally as well as expect, and that will not be changing either.

     The previous two points notwithstanding, I have re-learned some painful lessons about what I can realistically expect to continue experiencing in this life and in most human

     relationships.  My goal is to not let those lessons make me cynical or bitter or self-righteous, nor cause me to put up walls, nor lower my standards for myself.   (Quite a balancing act.) 

     I have finally come to believe the fact that I am a valuable, one-of-kind, non-replaceable person of character, integrity and generosity, who has a lot of experience and positive energy to bring to whatever table I am sitting at. I am capable of amazing things, and in an environment where I am wanted, respected and supported (which is what I deserve) there is no limit to what I can accomplish.

     Everything has seasons. Relationships, jobs, places we live. Change is hard but inevitable and often leads to better seasons.

     I can do the very best I can with every inch of my being and still not get the results I was hoping for.  When this happens I will have to both be honest with myself about  my shortcomings while also not blaming myself for circumstances and other people’s choices outside of my control.  I cannot take more responsibility for a bad outcome than I deserve.  (Basically a type of pride as well as co-dependancy.) 

     I must do whatever it takes to stay sane and stable, particularly since I have a stressful life and a history of mental illness in my family.  I can’t let denial or pride get in the way. 

     Midwifery isn’t everything. 

     Healthy relationships and daily peace of mind on the other hand, are pretty much everything. 

     My children will regularly want and need me in their lives in spite of being healthy, functional and increasingly independent adults. And this is a happy truth because I want and need them in my life too.

It all comes back to God’s faithfulness.

Quotes and scriptures that sum up my 2017 introspective conclusions:

“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.”  - Henri J. M. Nouwen

“Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love.” – random internet meme post

John 2:24- “But Jesus did not commit Himself unto them, because He knew all men.”

Matthew 18:32-33 "Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t  you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you? "

Psalm 27- “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even my enemies and my foes, came on me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. 

Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. 

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up on a rock. And now shall my head be lifted up above my enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also on me, and answer me.

When you said, Seek you my face; my heart said to you, Your face, LORD, will I seek. Hide not your face far from me; put not your servant away in anger: you have been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of my enemies.

Deliver me not over to the will of my enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”

Happy 2018 to you and yours.  May you be able to heal from the hurts of 2017 and learn from your experiences as you wait on the Lord. His faithfulness will pull you through, every time.