If You Want to Know Why I Got Divorced....

"So what does your husband do?"

It is a question I should be used to. Along with all its varieties. Since I wear a wedding ring and have three kids that are usually with me, it's a reasonable query I can't fault anyone for asking.

But I haven't gotten used to it.

Or to the inevitable reactions. They are subtle. The questions in the eyes that most are too polite to ask. The slight shift in the way people relate to me. In some cases, a certain wariness.

It wouldn't happen as much if I was out in the general American population, but my circles of contacts consists pretty much of conservative Christians, usually intact families, in either a church or a homeschooling or a missionary setting. And that's by choice, because, in spite of my single/divorced demographic, that's still where I fit in the best.

But because that's where I am, the unspoken questions tend to pile up. People find out I am a missionary to Africa. And they find out I USED to be a missionary with my husband in Nepal and India. They hear me say my daughter went to India with her dad. They find out I homeschool, and the kids do part of their school work on their days with their dad. They find out he is still in mission work.

Nothing quite matches up.

Some people do assume the best. The wise ones. The ones that know life can get weird, even for Christians. And I sense that too, when it happens, and appreciate it.

Then there are the ones who are the way I used to be. Me at 16, 19, 20, 25, that had all the answers and was fairly narrow in my views. The me that knew if I just followed all the rules of moral Christian living that things would turn out right for me. And if someone's life didn't turn out right- specifically, if someone got a divorce, well, they had obviously messed up somewhere and not followed the rules. All divorced people were at fault somehow in my mind. And not fully trustworthy as a result. They must not have "been good" or they wouldn't have gotten a divorce, and so they probably still weren't "good" and should be avoided. Or at least, silently judged in my mind.

And now, I'm on the other end of that, and I see people looking at me with the same eyes that I used to have.

Doubt not that sowing and reaping are real.

I'm fortunate enough to have an awesome and impressive collection of life-friends who know me for who I am, and not by my demographic. It's when I meet new people, who don't have any history with me that I struggle. Or when I have to get up and give a talk about what I am currently doing in Liberia. Recently I was in the middle of a such a talk in front of a group of new people before I suddenly and awkwardly realized I really didn't know how to segue from "I was a midwife for four years, then I stopped practicing when I got married, had three kids, lived in Hong Kong and did full time missions in Nepal" to "Now that my kids are older I'm getting back into midwifery, and oh, yeah, did I mention I got divorced? and never mind that, I'm going off to Liberia to help build a clinic."

I mean, there were kids in the room. Not to mention MY kids. As they usually are. Which means I can't give any explanation other than, "Unfortunately, after almost 13 years of marriage I became a single mom." On the day of this particular talk, I felt so awkward and unprepared I even skipped that, which led to more awkward stuff later when we were sitting around talking.

I try to put a good face on it. And accept others' reservations when they show them, because I understand so well where they are coming from.

But sometimes I get tired of carrying this particular cross.

Would you like to make it easier for me?

Let me tell you how.

If you are one of those newer people in my life, (or even if you have been around a while) take the time to get to know me as a person. If you want to, ask me those awkward questions. As long as I don't feel any hostility, I really don't mind. And as long as my kids aren't around, I am happy to answer any questions you have about how I got where I am today. And then when I tell you, consider having me for a friend anyway.

I'm a pretty decent person under the big red D on my life. The best thing about me is, now that I have no righteousness of my own left (it was filthy rags anyway, not sure why I was so proud of it), being a recipient of God's grace, I know how to extend that grace to others, regardless of their circumstances and struggles.

It may not be divorce in your case, but there are other situations that are equally painful, not to mention the every day issues that everyone on the planet has, if they are honest. Whatever it is, I now make a point of sowing grace into it, instead of judgment. It's way more fun, not to mention Biblical.

So if you need some grace, look me up.

I'm sowing as much of it as I can.